Notes On Song For My Father
Death and the Pursuit of Jazz
It was 2:15 am in July. A hot summer night in Florida. I remember it and have forgotten everything all at once. It’s what happens when you are overwhelmed by the fog of adversity. You end up caught. Bound between the desire to erase it all, so that it may never have happened; and the promise to tell the tale.
This night, this adversity, this tale was the death of my Father.
We had all left him there hoping to see him alive again the next day. Sullen, I had just fallen asleep (or at least it felt that way) and the phone ring. I knew who it was and what would be said; yet I still answered.
And so began an ending, and as is always the case, a beginning. Truly it was the beginning of many things: The start of the period of reflection and understanding of a man I loved and knew extremely well. The shock of actual fatherlessness. The igniting of the curiosity about how our relationships would survive without the glue.
Yeah man, so many curiosities. These things you can’t see approaching, but they come. And they are only quelled by time.
Earlier, the night before; before the hospice, I saw him. Alive, not well, but alive. We talked some and I played him some songs.
Jazz.
It was always Jazz for us. His love for the art form is where I get it. Throughout my life he told me things about music and Jazz. Not in a teaching kind of way, but in a conversational way. As a fan, talking about what he loved and why. However, not in words of passion, just in plain words. See, emotion was NOT his strong suit. He didn’t waste his time with mushiness. ‘Love’ barely trickled from his lips, and when it did it was dull. Meaningful, but just without that umph that makes you, the listener, sure.
Anyway, I played him some things. MJQ (his fave) Miles, Trane, Diz. It made him smile. It made me smile through tears. And then I played Horace. Horace Silver’s ‘A Song For My Father’. Poignant right? Yeah dig that shit! But Nope! I mean dude dug the tune, but through his medicated euphoria he thought it was Hugh Masekela! ‘Grazin’ in the Grass’ I presume.
Well I set him straight. I had to. I wanted him to know what I was feeling. I wanted him to know that I loved him. I wanted him to know that I know he loved me. And I wanted him to know that I loved Jazz because of him. So I corrected him. And I told him ‘it’s all because of you Dad’.
And the song played.
From that moment, I was unable to shake the song. It was with me always in some form. I came home, back to Brooklyn. And I did something I hadn’t done in years. I decided to record a song. A song for my father.
At the time of this writing, it’s was nearly a year and a half of studying, writing, composing and arranging. There’s been several different iterations of the tune. I’d given it up so many times, frustrated by my ignorance of music theory and the absolute ridiculousness of the whole thing. I mean what the hell am I actually doing here? I know it’s odd, but I kept coming back. I kept needing to do more. I suppose every time I work on it, it feels like I am spending time with him. It feels like we are friends again and we are listening together.
There are a lot of tracks in this tune, technically over a hundred. You wont be able to detect them all, but believe me, they are all in there and in some way audible. That is not meant to be braggadocios, it’s not about how many tracks there are. I really did not track the song out properly anyway, but the point is there’s a lot going on. Probably too much, but it is an artistic interpretation of an emotional, once in a lifetime event. And in that, there’s a lot going on. So for me, it’s apropos.
Aside from that, I know he’d love it. One of the most distinctly proud moments he felt towards me (or at least I felt he felt that way) was when I created some rinky-dink reggae tune in the early eighties. He genuinely liked it and it showed. It made me feel good to see him proud of me. Yeah. It made me feel good. Worthy.
That feeling washed away my insecurities and in ways it was a catalyst for me to create more.
Anyway yeah, I know he’d love this track. Not because it’s for him, but because it’s by me. And even though he isn’t here, it still makes me feel good to think he might be proud of me again.
Give it a listen it was made to be heard and hopefully it’ll move you physically or emotionally.
Song For My Father
Written & Composed by Horace Silver
Produced, Arranged & Performed by Ron ‘Prez” Hyman